counting down

3 days until we embarge on another year or media outrage social networking and attention starved headcases. I turn 35 this year 35.... I never thought I would make it past 21. The drug years seemed to last a lot longer then I assumed in the past. So much loss, most of it time. When people die we tend to forget until the note of music pops up in our conversation or minds that make them live again . Conversation can bring a person back momentarily. Sometimes I wish I could talk forever. Dreams bring it back as well. I can't tell you how many times I dreamed that Grandma was really alive and it was all a bad dream. A mirage, that I somehow witnessed an accident of the spirit that was made up in my head,it strikes me daily especially when I am stuck at a crossroads mentally. My self image has shot to hell, but I feel stronger mentally for sure.

So what are my resolutions for the next year? Why can't I make a daily resolve instead? Yeah I want to lose weight be in shape be the American fucking dream for sure. But logically will I make my goal? Will I vacation in Paris this year? Or will it be another decade put off as I throw my money to the wind for material items that I need for satisfaction? The feel good now button pushing the be here now button. Am I still in love ? yes. Do I know what I want my career to be? no I am still so lost and confused. I envy those who make it work from day one but I always wonder are they happy this way? Or do they just settle for the paycheck. I had a career opp that I ended because it distanced me , I saw myself doing things that were unlike me and credit Babylon. This year I want more knowledge, more prayer , more peace, weight loss,inner beauty, and an idea of how to better myself logically . It may just be taking the time to do it and not worrying about the fine print or font size. Happy New Opportunity should be the way you start every day not just the 1st of societies cursed calendar.