do I feel alive?

Deceived often by my thoughts I begin my day before the anxiety kicks in . The thoughts of how dangerous I could become to myself and others if I let go of control haunts me taunts at me until I have to lock myself in a room. I torment my self by calling out coward , face your demons. I am sickly in the mind and soul at times. I long to be healed for the past to become fainter and trust myself again as a sane person. I still find myself trying to fix things with medication and avoidance. How do you become an entire soul, a free spirit when you lost your carefree side and are more robotic and catatonic because of the lives you have lived and the lies you have believed. I want to be soft like a cat , independent, unafraid, eager to be free again...Until then I am a scared , trapped mouse with no hole to escape from.