interviews

I am behind in the times, but I just went through the worst job interview of my life. I will not disclose the location of the place due to the fact that people are lawsuit happy. Let's just say it is a corporation. This type of interview was new to me and I was the only one over 21 in the room. 6 people being interviewed at once. Wow, did I feel overdressed and overqualified. The 5 other candidates for the job I will give names, Teenage boy, ghetto dude, bald dude that would not shut up , Blond girl from la la land and fake eyelash girl. So first we have to fill out a thing about loss prevention. Why do people steal? Blah blah blah .Bald guy rambled through the entire interview about his "fighting dogs" his "multiple jobs" "his girlfriend" and his" busted knee", oops almost left out his "air Jordans". You could count on this guy to take 5 minutes per question to talk about himself . You could also count on him to interrupt everyone else during their answer time. Then you have Fake eyelash girl who had on a ton of perfume making me want to gag or snort gasoline to get the smell out of my sinus membrane. This girl picked her nail polish off and did not turn off her cell phone. This lead to constant ringing constant I am sorry and "I have a dream of being a flight attendant speeches. The girl on the other side of me blondie was a complete airhead. Nice enough , great style but she wanted to end each sentence with "yay" She wants to be a journalist at a prestigous paper when she grows up in Chicago or LA or germany Yay! Has anyone tried the pumpkin spice ice cream yay? The other two were just nice guys trying to get a job. If I get a call back I am for a definite decline, I cannot work at a place where I cannot sit with the other interviewees without contemplating jumping out the window and running away, maybe it is PMS?

counting down

3 days until we embarge on another year or media outrage social networking and attention starved headcases. I turn 35 this year 35.... I never thought I would make it past 21. The drug years seemed to last a lot longer then I assumed in the past. So much loss, most of it time. When people die we tend to forget until the note of music pops up in our conversation or minds that make them live again . Conversation can bring a person back momentarily. Sometimes I wish I could talk forever. Dreams bring it back as well. I can't tell you how many times I dreamed that Grandma was really alive and it was all a bad dream. A mirage, that I somehow witnessed an accident of the spirit that was made up in my head,it strikes me daily especially when I am stuck at a crossroads mentally. My self image has shot to hell, but I feel stronger mentally for sure.

So what are my resolutions for the next year? Why can't I make a daily resolve instead? Yeah I want to lose weight be in shape be the American fucking dream for sure. But logically will I make my goal? Will I vacation in Paris this year? Or will it be another decade put off as I throw my money to the wind for material items that I need for satisfaction? The feel good now button pushing the be here now button. Am I still in love ? yes. Do I know what I want my career to be? no I am still so lost and confused. I envy those who make it work from day one but I always wonder are they happy this way? Or do they just settle for the paycheck. I had a career opp that I ended because it distanced me , I saw myself doing things that were unlike me and credit Babylon. This year I want more knowledge, more prayer , more peace, weight loss,inner beauty, and an idea of how to better myself logically . It may just be taking the time to do it and not worrying about the fine print or font size. Happy New Opportunity should be the way you start every day not just the 1st of societies cursed calendar.

Holidays

Sentimental as I feel . I see my children grow every Christmas. I always want to fulfill their wishes and never care of my own. I want to hold on to every smell, detail and taste from this season. The memories of warmth and love all around, silly traditions surpass all. I feel time robbing me of my soul daily, I want to have happiness and not fear whats ahead. But that unconditional love turns into what I have is what I can lose. So I put my heart into food I cook for my children and extra time for them to remember me positively ( I hope)

It is hard to have a partial broken family. I know it must be confusing. My time away from them always humbles me . Why I quit a salary job to go to part time work was for them. I saw me becoming a mother who was never there . This has turned into a rambling off subject blog but my brain is so scrambled by seasonal greetings that I cannot reassemble. Happy New Year .

Jennifer

Walking into an unfriendly bar , I came upon your smile. It brightened up all of the darkness and cleared the smoke filled air. Your hair fell long and beautiful and you beamed of light and purity. You were a different flower in a room full of weeds. Our music tastes would contrast plenty, but your open mind opened mine. The last I saw you I wiped your tears and gave you a hug and I listened to you open your soul. I wish I could have brought you the faith you needed in you. You have touched everyone's lives all around you . The flow in your spirit will always be in your bug. May your kindness soothe all who have lost you .

rest in peace

solitude

I put my double dirty gin martini down. I couldn't think anymore and it might of been my 10th or 7th I am not quite sure. My mind was eluding me. It walked out and slammed the door on common sense. Where is this rationality I once had? Fleeing the country like a refugee in a religious war. That is what my illness is a war between God and the Devil in my throat juggling for me to vomit out the reality and hallucinate the truth. Goodbye yellow brick road, the plane to Oz just crashed into the World Trade Center. No escape the fear you may , it is over . Things will never be the same no matter how much poison I drink or inject . the fear is installed like a satellite dish transplanted in my heart.

Shut it down

Ring Ring Ring, the constant noise of thought interruption. Usually nothing of substance on the other line. I am not a phone person. I do not vocally express myself and I do not really pay attention to calls I receive. I find myself rudely drifting as someone is talking and focusing on a bill, or the weather or was there an earthquake in Samoa? My tone is dry and bored. I am more of a writer or a person to person communicator, though I fail at that often. I insert my foot in my mouth often and hurt people's egos daily with my who cares aura. I do not delight in my thoughtlessness. All the years of my indulgences in hard drugs and booze have caught up with my attention span and numbed my soul like a novocaine shot. It is all about words I can see, anything I hear disappears as if it never existed. Do I exist? Why do phones exist?

Imperfect I

It seems like it has been my entire life that I fumbled with awkwardness around others. I always admired those put together delicately ,the people who always got their necks clean and hair perfectly in place. I have always been different ,carefree ,clumsy, an original stain, a blemish in their world of perfection. I never could exist in their world however, no matter how I could try and conform physically , my mental state always threw people aloof. I am not a prozac american, I hardly feel like an American citizen at times. My eyes tear up when I think of how my grandfather so bravely fought for the freedom of European nations but thought he was fighting for ours. My father is a forgotten soldier forced to serve his prepubescent years. There won't be any doctors in my family but me if I can make it,would I stay clumsy and educated or will I become articulate ,poised and brainwashed. I guess its up to the medications.

the whole thing

Lately my thing has been seeking solitude from everyone and everything . I find myself saying no when the phone rings and I listen to it with its urgency . I do not wander what the favor or voice on the other end is saying, I dread the sounds of the desperation to share the latest bullshit gossip in this nasty town of critic. I do not want to hurt you my friend, I just need to distance myself from the feeling of hatred that may be growing in my heart. It is not your fault things spill and brains scatter . I need to be alone, and wonder silently if I have angered you hurt you or affected your life in a negative way. I cannot get any more soaked into society , I absorb into the ground with each breath and I want to dry up again.